Questions.

The only thing worse than not knowing how to do something is not knowing how to do something in a room full of people who do.

Every time I start a new job, I feel like a complete moron, bumbling my way through obvious duties, staring duly, eyes vacant, my brain a tinker toy put together by a blind toddler. Most times people are more than happy to help out, explaining and demonstrating skills that are new to me and second nature to them. The problem with this is that I can't learn like that. The only thing that makes me feel stupider than not knowing how to do something is to have someone show me three times while I dutifully watch, making mental notes, knitting my brow, looking serious. Sometimes I'll even say what the demonstrator is doing, like a play-by-play announcer, generally ending with a firm nod and an affirmative statement like, "got it" or "makes sense".

Then they say, "Okay, you try it." Without fail, I will have no idea where to even start.

I learn by doing. I have to physically go through the motions of any new skill or task otherwise it doesn't register at all. I have been called a good teacher because of how difficult I find it to learn; I teach to make things as simple as possible and as practical as possible.

It's also why I don't take advice well. If someone tries to give me information that's based on their own experience, I can appreciate that they believe it to be true, but until I experience it for myself, I have a hard time getting it in my head.

My new job is as a butcher, by the way, here's hoping I learn something before losing an appendage.

Maybe that's why I don't like asking questions. I don't like to admit my ignorance, true, but I also prefer trying to puzzle my way through something, knowing that if I can figure it out, chances are I'll remember how to do a task since I actually did it. Also, if I can bumble my way to a satisfactory result and am then shown a shortcut or a more refined way of doing it, I'm generally pretty successful.

Being shown how to do something I know nothing about by someone who knows everything about it: total fail.

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I've been having thoughts about drugs lately.

I've plotted out what I'm going to use, how I'm going to use it, where I'm going to use it and how I'm going to cover it up. I consider my guilt, who can be around, what it will mean, what it won't mean.

I stopped using everything about four months ago now. A 12-step rehab program, a sponsor, AA/CA/NA and a whole bunch of people telling me I'm doing the right thing. Some of those well wishers are people who happily drink and use drugs. So what makes me different?

Oh, right I'm the addict. But, why? Because I've had problems in the past determines that I'll have those same problems in the future? What if I just deal with some of my issues, make some changes in how I interact with the world around me and shift some of my perspective, can't I use then?

In AA they claim it's the thinking, not the drinking that's the problem. The drinking is actually the solution, it's the thing that makes everything better. Chemicals medicate pain. Right, so, I eliminate the stinkin' thinkin', overcome the pain and party down, no?

Part of the problem I'm having is that I'm turning to "experts" who seem to have all the answers. They tell me that if I do what they say, my life will improve. If I don't, I'll relapse and be worse off than before. Some of these experts seem certain that if I don't do the 12-steps and go to AA meetings regularly, there's no doubt I'll use again (and screw up my life).

I'm insulted by all this insinuation.

First off, this mental disease of addiction can't really be proven. Strike one, experts.
Secondly, the apparent threat of drug induced destruction if I don't play along is fear mongering and emotional bullying (I think). Strike two, experts.
Finally, doesn't it seem contradictory when they claim that chemicals medicate pain, but then go on to say that you can never use again, no matter who you are and how much you've changed? Strike three, experts.

They claim that your addiction is never really gone, that it's doing pushups in the next room, just waiting until your defenses are low or you convince yourself that one can't hurt and then BLAMMO, everything goes out of whack and your obsession to use returns. I know I spent a lot of time, money and energy on using, recovering and using some more. I'm sure I spent even more time and energy than I realised when I try to factor in how I was constantly aware of how much I had, when and where I could get some more and how my body and mind were acting even when I wasn't actually high.

I think that last part is the one that gets me most. To not be on a substance but to still be affected by its use because of how it interacts with the human body and mind.

Anyway. The point is, how am I really supposed to know unless I try again? And again?

I learn by doing, not by not doing.

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Those feelings of wanting to use ultimately pass. I keep getting on the treadmill, sitting in front of the computer, opening my sketch pad, going to meetings. I keep going to work, playing music, reading and trying to see friends. I have my goals, and I'm learning how to feel good by doing.

Am I willing to potentially trade in what I've started to put into motion for a couple of hours of being high or drunk? No, not today. Today I'm accomplishing more, with a better attitude and more energy than I did four months ago. I'm less depressed and less aimless and I don't need any expert to tell me that.

When it comes to life, everyone is pretty much ignorant, making their own bumbling attempts to get by. I spent ten years drunk, high, losing jobs, making bad decisions or indecisions, hoping that somehow tomorrow would just turn out better somehow, without any effort on my part.

For four months, I've been doing things a bit differently, and right now they're going pretty well.

Maybe I just need to stop asking so many questions.