Goals

Something I've come to realise is that embracing sobriety is stupid if you're not going to change any other aspect of your life. No point in just continuing to go to bars and parties if you're just going to sip at some soda and pine for the way things used to be.

Maybe you don't always have that feeling of otherness, but eventually you come to the conclusion that these events are kind of designed to be intoxicant fuelled and without a purposeful attempt to dull, sharpen or alter reality, you end up stuck with just reality. Not that it isn't somewhat fun to be the sober guy amidst the throbbing masses, but you lose the ability to connect with the people and surroundings and eventually, well, it gets boring. BO-RING. It depends on the company, obviously, and the event at hand, but going out to the same type of event over and over with a clear head just leaves me wanting to do something different, something new.

I used to really look forward to any excuse to get high and interact with people. I felt free to flit about, have pointless conversation and silly interactions, but, really, I just wanted to get high. I made the events seem like something worthwhile, the people individuals I really wanted to see, because in those situations it was totally acceptable to be right fucked. Plus, sober me just doesn't interact with people as well and if I end up being too gregarious or I say something stupid or offensive, hey, you know I didn't mean it, I'm just a bit fucked, right?

Now sober, now more self conscious. I'm much more pensive about going to parties or events because I actually don't know how to act anymore. Or maybe, without the lines, pills, smokes or drinks to look forward to, I'm just a little less interested in general.

So what the hell do I do with myself?

I saw my therapist recently and we discussed my "goals". Turns out I didn't really have too many, solid ones at least, mine were all vague and without proper steps planned out to achieve them.

We agreed I needed to make money, so even though there isn't a career that I'm excited about and my attention is always being pulled in different areas, my upcoming job as a butcher is one to be proud of. I sought it out, had a good interview and have followed up like a desperate lover. I start this week, will have regular hours and decent pay. I went to culinary school, so the fact that it's somewhat a skill-based job feels good, plus I'll finally be able to start saving. GOOD STUFF, RIGHT?

Speaking of saving... now that I'm not wasting money at bars or with dealers, I should be able to put away some money. Except. I smoke cigarettes. In rehab, there was often nothing else to do but smoke and I increased my consumption to about a pack a day. Smoking Belmonts, this is expensive. So, goal, I'm quitting.

This is somewhat terrifying, but fuck it, if I could kick everything else, then why the hell am I going to waste almost 12 bucks a day on a habit that yellows my teeth, makes me stink and ruins all chances of competing in marathons? Plus, while not in the same category as a few other vices I had, it still creates unnecessary anxiety and I'm still allowing my mood to be affected by an outside source. No more! Tonight a smoked a big fat cigar to celebrate the fact that, tomorrow morning, I slap a patch on my shoulder and toughen the fuck up.

Speaking of competing in marathons... if I'm going to quit smoking (and everything else) I might as well replace it with something healthy, right? So, I'm signing up for the 8-k run in High Park this coming April. While I'm aiming to finish first, I'll be satisfied with completing the run without my lungs giving out.

Goals.

I'm also going to write two blogs a week. They might not be good, exciting, insightful or worthwhile, but they'll be here. This counts as one. By Sunday I'll have a second.

Do, do, do!

I miss playing music, so I agreed to play a one-off show at the Rivoli next month and confirmed that I'll be playing with a new group that's getting started. I also need a bit more purpose with the drawing that I've been working on (comics based on rehab experience) so I'm coming up with something to post on this blog by the end of February. It won't be about perfection or impressing anyone with how awesome I am, it'll be about getting it done.

Don't over do it though.

That's where I'm at now, self motivation is tough for me so I'm not trying to create masterpieces or take over the world with what I'm doing. Small steps. I'm starting to get a bunch of new ideas, but I'm trying to take it a bit slow so I don't just start idea hopping, never actually getting anything done.

Tomorrow I put on the patch and go for a run.
Sunday I go for a run and write a blog.
Monday I go for a run and go to work.

I can do that. GOALS.