Pity Party!

It's Sunday evening, coming up on six o'clock and that all-too-familiar feeling of wanting to tear off my skin has uncomfortably settled upon me once again. It gets to the point where I just want to zero in on all of the absurdities of this program, fire my sponsor, never attend another meeting, get wasted and shove my middle finger into the eyeballs of every asshole I encounter.

Instead, I'm sitting at a Second Cup a couple of blocks from an AA meeting, due to start in a few hours.

My brain is trying to convince me to just skip it. My body is trying to convince me to run around the block seventeen times in the hopes of physical exhaustion. My jaw refuses to stop clenching, though its purpose is lost on me. I'm short with people I care about and feel like I'm trapped inside a faulty sack of skin, bent on acting out against my better judgment. I want to feel awesome and I don't. So, ultimately, I'm stuck feeling like a failure; bored, scared, sad, alone. I make a mistake and then try to make up for it by making more mistakes and I don't know where the good feelings have gone and and and...

I got a job. I started on Thursday and will be working all next week, but it's through a temp agency so who knows how long it will go for (eeeeyore). I'm cooking at the Roger's building, 1 Mount Pleasant; my shift is from 630am to 330pm and while it's nice to be making money again and it's nice to have a thing to do, I'm (obviously) finding it hard to be positive right now.

One day I'll look back on this entry and laugh, right?

I hate feeling this way, I hate how it makes me act and I wish I could just go on auto pilot until things start to get better. Wah, wah, wah.

I'd send out invitations to this pity party but I bet no one would come.

Boy, writing that last line made me realise how annoying this entry is. Not just that, but how much I look to other people for support, pats on the back or empathetic commiseration.

It's gross that I'm feeling so enthusiastically sorry for myself in such a public forum, but hey, maybe I'll embarass myself enough to get my head out of my ass.

Pity party over, everyone get the hell out.