The Pink Cloud.

I'm currently working on several entries. There's one on "Trust", one titled "Guilt and Shame", the long-awaited follow up to "Good Orderly Direction (pt. 1)", a summary of my time in treatment and one on my feelings about going to meetings. I feel kinda shitty right now though, so here's a short, impromptu one: The Pink Cloud.

In treatment, at least towards the end, I felt pretty darned good. I "got" it. I wasn't just going to be sober, I was going to be sober, happy, productive; a real world-beater cadsarn it. Golly, nothing was going to get me down. Heck, I was stepping in for the counselors when it seemed like my troubled treatment cohorts were having a hard time grasping the concepts I now felt like I wrote. Once I got out, that feeling evaporated rather quickly.

It's said that many individuals experience life on the pink cloud after treatment, they carry that feeling of complete confidence with them for days, even weeks at a time. While there are most likely rare exceptions, the pink cloud doesn't last. To a large extent, we've spent the majority of our adult lives relying on alcohol and drugs to medicate, smooth out or completely dull our emotions. All emotions. I used when I was depressed, and I used to celebrate. I used to be sociable, I used to be alone. I used to get me through the day, I used to help put me to sleep. I used because it was raining out. I used because it was a beautiful day. For ten years I eschewed sobriety in a variety of ways and now I'm facing reality for what it is. I'm actually kind of grateful I didn't get the pink cloud feeling; I don't need any more artificial emotion.

So, I'm feeling shitty right now. There's no real reason for it per se, I mean, sure I can make a list, but in early recovery, even if I'm doing "all the right things" I have to expect this. What's frustrating is that it's the exact type of butterflies-in-my-chest pseudo anxiety that I know three substances I used to have on hand all the time would take away immediately.

But the feelings always come back. So I continue with sobriety because I'm told things will get better. You can't rely on the food you ate a week ago for nourishment today, similarly I won't rely on the positive behaviours and spiritual work I put in a week ago. I want to be happy, humble, honest; the kind of person that I'd look up to and I have to keep working for it.

So, I feel rotten right now.

That's okay, I never expected the pink cloud anyway.